How to have a lovely weekend without drinking.

You should make sure your weekend ‘unofficially’ starts on Thursday. You should enlist a friend to come over, and help you sew (or just actually sew) handbags for presents. And while you are at it, make one for yourself, especially if you can line it in what is affectionately termed ‘transvestite swimsuit’ fabric. You should make Mexican food, and feast, for dessert on cupcakes, plum chocolates and pate and crackers.

On Friday you should work – to make money for shopping. And after work, you should go to another friends house, where they will feed you laksa, and for dessert, you should have Peanut Slab ice cream and mini chocolate eclairs. If they are good friends, they will show you a classic movie you should really have seen, and you will love it, and giggle over all the popular culture quotes. You should play with their cat, and generally have a lovely time, and stay way too late.

On Saturday, you should wake up, and lie in bed listening to the rain and the birds, and if at all possible stare out your window, at the weather. You will have had plans that necessitated a nice day, but never mind. Instead, go do some shopping, (shoes, top,), while you wait to meet another friend for brunch. Mmmm, eggs. Then some more shopping, including a very cute pair of earrings (you might like to get some like mine, that have red strawberries on them). After that, you should got to Te Papa, where you should take in the earthquake house, the scary bird-filled room, and of course, the Rita Angus exhibition. You should be astounded by her talent, and amused by the inane comments of the people around you.

You should stop off and have some cake. It won’t be nearly as good as it looks, and the coffee will actually be pretty awful, but hey the company is good, and the view pretty impressive.

Now that you’ve had your dose of culture for the day (week, month), you can feel free to head to the Warehouse, and do some guilt free crap buying. Purchase some new sheets, and watch your friend buy awesome pink measuring cups and utensils. Then you can go to the #1 shoe warehouse, safe in the knowledge there’ll be no bargain as good as the $10 shoes you already bought.

Then, you should go home, straighten your hair, and gather your things for the party you are going to. And I’ll tell you something, sparkling grape juice is a terrible substitute for wine. But clothes swaps, party packs, nice people, and cupcakes are excellent ones!

On your way home, you should chat to your taxi driver, and resist the urge to punch him when he tells you the score of the rugby game you were about to go and watch. Instead, go to bed, so as to be half-fresh when you go to work at 5am.

After work, head home, nap, tidy, and mooch about. Then go to yet another friend’s house, and eat pasta, make up a quiz, and have steamed pudding.

See, it can be done – fun without alcohol!

Of course, all of this is contingent on you having a) money (easy without a cocktail habit to support) and b) friends. That second one is the most important – without them, you’d just stay in bed all day, listening to the rain, and the radio, being sad and alone. So there.